There comes a time in your life when you realise that you are enough. As you are, breathing deeply, you can be no more than what you actually are. And that point is now. It’s not tomorrow and it wasn’t yesterday. Yet you can only come to this realisation for yourself upon your own readiness.
I am realising this now, after searching and searching and searching everywhere for me. I have looked inside of sexual encounters, through different sexual identities, through spiritual religious groups, through food, and excessive obsession with health, through the means of perfection and social circles. I have looked for myself in activism, in drugs, in addictions to self abuse and pain. And I have come up nowhere further or closer to myself than to begin with. I am in the same place I left off. The same place I always was. I am already here. This is it. It is now. There is nothing more to become or to strive for. I am what I am supposed to be. I am whole. I am perfect, and I am enough. This here in my nothingness, and my everything-ness is enough.
It takes a whole lot of self betrayal and looking and too-ing and fro-ing to figure it out. Eventually you give up. Eventually you get so tired of the search. The endeavour is quite heroic you think. Doing something that most are afraid to. Not stopping still; because if you did actually stop still, shit, there you’d be. And you’d be enough and that would feel overwhelming. You would be worthy of love and connection and all of your hearts desires and all of your fears would be gone. You would have done it all.
The big taboo; the strange thing that we humans try to do is be everything but human. We try to perfect something that is already perfect. We cannot be perfected because we are already it. It is an oxymoron.
I wrote when I was seventeen, that I wanted to create myself into a luminous pure light. I had no idea what I was talking about at the time. I was high on m’n’ms and my new found kinship in my bisexuality. It was all mystical and illusive to me. But now I am realising what I meant, and in a way it was an incantation, a prediction, a wish, a calling in of sorts. A few weeks after this incantation, I sky rocketed myself from a very normal and middle class lifestyle into a very deep and intense internal spiritual journey, which has led me to here. What I feel to be, the end of my search, and the acceptance, albeit, a long and resistant acceptance, of the mystery that used to fill me with vitality.
In school when I was asked if would travel when I finished my final year, I would always answer mystically even to myself, ‘I have to travel inside first’. I really did not fully understand what I meant at the time. I did not even know what true internal discovery was about back then, but something in me knew, and it was like the silent voice started speaking.
This silent voice is what I have now given my life over to. This silent voice is the true me, the one that knows the mystery, and knows I am enough. It is the birth place of all that is. There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. We are already here.
I am realising this now, after searching and searching and searching everywhere for me. I have looked inside of sexual encounters, through different sexual identities, through spiritual religious groups, through food, and excessive obsession with health, through the means of perfection and social circles. I have looked for myself in activism, in drugs, in addictions to self abuse and pain. And I have come up nowhere further or closer to myself than to begin with. I am in the same place I left off. The same place I always was. I am already here. This is it. It is now. There is nothing more to become or to strive for. I am what I am supposed to be. I am whole. I am perfect, and I am enough. This here in my nothingness, and my everything-ness is enough.
It takes a whole lot of self betrayal and looking and too-ing and fro-ing to figure it out. Eventually you give up. Eventually you get so tired of the search. The endeavour is quite heroic you think. Doing something that most are afraid to. Not stopping still; because if you did actually stop still, shit, there you’d be. And you’d be enough and that would feel overwhelming. You would be worthy of love and connection and all of your hearts desires and all of your fears would be gone. You would have done it all.
The big taboo; the strange thing that we humans try to do is be everything but human. We try to perfect something that is already perfect. We cannot be perfected because we are already it. It is an oxymoron.
I wrote when I was seventeen, that I wanted to create myself into a luminous pure light. I had no idea what I was talking about at the time. I was high on m’n’ms and my new found kinship in my bisexuality. It was all mystical and illusive to me. But now I am realising what I meant, and in a way it was an incantation, a prediction, a wish, a calling in of sorts. A few weeks after this incantation, I sky rocketed myself from a very normal and middle class lifestyle into a very deep and intense internal spiritual journey, which has led me to here. What I feel to be, the end of my search, and the acceptance, albeit, a long and resistant acceptance, of the mystery that used to fill me with vitality.
In school when I was asked if would travel when I finished my final year, I would always answer mystically even to myself, ‘I have to travel inside first’. I really did not fully understand what I meant at the time. I did not even know what true internal discovery was about back then, but something in me knew, and it was like the silent voice started speaking.
This silent voice is what I have now given my life over to. This silent voice is the true me, the one that knows the mystery, and knows I am enough. It is the birth place of all that is. There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. We are already here.
2013 © Emma Sumner 2013